made just for me

I was writing an email to my mother yesterday, attaching photos of a poncho I had just finished knitting. I love this poncho, simple stitches with soft warm yarn, space to improvise and add my own blocks of additional pattern and color to what was designed to be a solid color piece.

image

image

I shared with her that this time I actually made something for myself. We had talked about this over the holidays, noting that that just about everything I have ever made, except maybe for those first clothes as a teenager, have always been gifts, things made for another’s body, another’s home, another’s life. Searching my archive of all lovingly made things confirmed that this poncho, made just for me, is indeed a historic event.

Not surprisingly, the night before was the monthly new moon gathering of women friends in the area. After a delicious pot luck meal and a short meditation, we sat around our hostess’s dining room table making valentines….for ourselves. Another first. I was frozen for a few minutes contemplating the vast array of papers, old calendars, pictures, and fabrics to work with. Me making a valentine just for me? There wasn’t much talking at first as we all reached for various things, testing the waters, letting go of all ideas of what a valentine for the self might look like. Eventually an easy banter began. As if each of us had been able to slip into a space that could reflect back how love might be received. Once there, it felt like automatic pilot, scissors cutting, needles sewing, paper ripping, pens writing, bottles gluing.

Looking at my valentine made for me now, I feel the grip of awe I sometimes feel when I look at one of my finished quilts, the “where in the world did this come from?”

image

It’s not just an image, but a series of images formed into a three dimensional object. It is constructed in a way that invites a peeling away of the layers. It holds in its center a tiny cootie catcher which is filled with simple messages of love. Simultaneously, I look up and out at the quilt spread out on a table in the next room, which in the past week, I have fallen in love with all over again.

image

I had to wait a long time for inspiration to come, to lead me to join together two unfinished pieces that wanted to be finished. There is a density of color and movement now visible in a way I can actually receive and feel.

image

It moves me. It inspires me to keep exploring what is here. Grateful. Humbled by just how significantly I had to wait. Thinking of the scene in the woods that day, of catching a veil of snow through the trees and sun that signaled passage into the mystery again…

image

I open my Valentine to me. Remove the glistening red ribbon, fold back the lace encrusted folds of a triad to images that also move me, food and mandalas and hearts combined.

image

image

The tiny cootie catcher beckons play. Smile.

On this Valentine’s Day,  it offers messages from this heart of mine to yours, “You are Joy”, “You are Beautiful”, “You are True”,

image

2 thoughts on “made just for me

  1. I remember making flannel nightgowns for our mothers maybe for Christmas. We did this at your house and I remember feeling pretty proud of the finished project. You have been creating for as long as I have known you ( and that is a pretty long time now!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s