release

It’s one of those mornings where the air is cool and the bright sun is lasering through the trees making spotlights. The dream I woke with seems to be jumping from one spotlight to the next, insistent to stay illuminated in my mind. It’s a pleasant feeling. Light. As if something obscuring forward vision has been let go of and all in front of me is fresh and new.

It was a simple dream. Hugging the first love of my life, he offers his knowing smile, and then the verbal acknowledgement of “It’s over then” as if in celebration of release and return back to the innocence of another time. Took thirty-five years. There is no accounting for where the path of love and loss begins and ends. It just goes where it needs to and I am so full of awe right now looking at the blank screen in front of me in release of a very old belief about how love in relationship was supposed to be.Truly excited! What next?

I look at the trees rooted in the bank of the brook. There are new definitions of love in relationship everywhere I look. Unlike the relatives living in forest tribal communion where intermingling roots abound, these individuals are forging relationship instead with the water. The path of roots staying grounded and secure here require a very different kind of growth in relation to new structures like rocks

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and banks of exposed earth.

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I marvel at the creativity, flow, and tenacity of these trees. Their commitment to forge new ground in relation to their beloved water inspires me.

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These trees had to let go of an ingrained pattern of growth not only to survive, but to live fully in relation to something new and perhaps unexpected.  From death comes new life. In the feeling of light that has followed me out of my dream, I too feel the truth of transformation that can come with letting go in death.

Kush is gone from this life. Helping him to pass was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in a long time. And though he did indeed let me know when it was time, the decision to aid in his death was still so poignant. It’s been only hours now and the sense of loss is fresh and keen, but there is light too. I can feel the transformation that comes in this light and thank him for this. He was, after all, another male presence in my life. Like the line of beloved male animals that came before him, he held a space for me to practice connecting with his masculine energy. Even if he seemed sad or cranky or difficult much of the time. He was always there, always making his presence known and I realize now how much I needed this. In these weeks of his transitioning I know I have been transitioning too. Now in release, everything feels different. I think I need something different now. I’m excited to truly begin the exploration to discover what that different is.

The heart rocks have started showing their faces to me everywhere on the trail. Today it is the stones buried in the earth that capture my attention..

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even one with a sprout emerging from the top. I think, okay, new heart growth, this is a very good sign indeed!

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I will bury Kush this afternoon and offer my final blessings. I will thank him for his devotion and for his gift of letting go in a way that I needed to experience.  I will honor his exalted place as the last of a long lineage of spirits that have guided me along a certain path, and I will forever be grateful for his sharing of release into a new way.

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2 thoughts on “release

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