not alone

I’ve just let Yankee out for his first sniff of the day and I’m standing in the driveway at this early hour taking in the dawn.  It is a startling image of the crescent moon, all alone up there in the sky like a big beacon in a context where everything else is silhouette against the still dark sky.  I ponder the notion that the moon is ‘alone’ in the sky, how impossible this is really because it is ‘in the sky’ and it is framed by trees and roof lines and the edge of color of the rising sun below, and it is winking at ‘me’ after all, as I stand here gazing into the morning…

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One moment it is perceived as the singularly unique object it is in the sky.  The next moment it feels completely connected to the very things that give it context and definition.  No, the moon is not alone.  It is clearly in relationship to the light of the sun rising to meet it, the dance these two do together whether they want to or not!  Now  I think of all the times I have said in my life, ” I feel so alone,”  “I need to be alone,”  “I want to do this alone,” or “Leave me alone!”  Humbled now at the illusion that I can actually control being alone or not, or can actually think that I am ever completely ‘alone’.  Smile.

It’s been a rocky few months since Ben left for school in October.  I have been riding the roller coaster of empty nesterdom that can be confusing at times, certainly representative of the flow of emotions that comes with any transition.  I like to joke and say, it is me and the animals now, but the fact is, it IS me and the animals and this is no small thing. As I sit here and write with computer on my lap, I look to my left and all three of them are right here with me, I’m not even aware when they arrived and took up their posts, the two cats next to me on the couch, and Yankee at my feet…

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It is not at all common to find them all together like this at the same time and I wonder, do they know what I am writing about then?  Are they trying to tell me something?  The three of them usually maintain a bit of independence from each other, Kush tends to stay close to me in general which keeps Desi at a distance typically, and it is rare that I see the two cats snuggled together like this, modeling a kind of heartfelt companionship that is easy to yearn for…

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And then there is Yankee. He is thirteen now and has spent much of his life alone in this house during the day.  A mellow, quiet, soulful presence, even he gets stir crazy I think, and needs his outside time connecting with the world in some way.  Lately it is just to lay in the snow and feel the wind, and just after I snapped this photo of him through the window yesterday…

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he turns to look at me with his wise eyes,

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intense, as if to say, I am out here but I am not alone, and neither are you…

3 thoughts on “not alone

  1. This beautiful post brings tears — the crescent moon, the cat’s curled up like yin and yang, Yankee’s wise eyes — and your aloneness, whatever that means. It’s just so poignant and it’s helped me release tears Kathy.

    Lots of love to you.

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